Bellypop

Chatting

2008-08-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

A little blurry, but you get the gist. Deep conversations. About everything, all the time. We talk and talk and talk. Then nap. Then talk.

(Ok, I'm done playing with this now. This baby is going to wake up any second.)

Alien baby

2008-08-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

Little alien baby, peeking out from her Ergo. This is also the face I see every morning as she stares up at me in bed. Pretty good.

Little smiles

2008-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Working on this picture thing. We bought a new camera yesterday. I have a muse, you could say.

If I ruled the world, everyone would behave properly

2008-06-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm having a little sadness today. I'm wondering if I need to adjust my expectations.

My mother and stepdad were here a couple of weeks ago to see the baby. And they drank. A lot. And it really pissed me off. I think Ruby felt my tension because she was the fussiest she's ever been. Also, they are extremely chaotic people and she probably felt the crazy, too.

Anyway. It was sad for me because I wanted it to be a special weekend. They were meeting her for the first time and it should have been a big deal, full of meaning and well, specialness. Instead, I just raged while they looked at each other and wondered about my post partum mental health. Between bottles of wine, that is.

And just now, my sister who spends a lot of time in her own world, told me she doesn't know when she will see Ruby, despite the fact that I've been asking her to request a couple days off from her restaurant job to come when my dad and other sister are here next weekend. I believe I've been asking her/reminding her every time we talk since before Ruby was born. It's too late now, she never made the request, and doesn't know when she'll be able to get off. Maybe not til the end of August.

It's so strange to me that my own sister has made no move to see my baby. I couldn't imagine not going to her if things were reversed.

She never sent a card or a gift and these things don't bother me (although they do say something about how she rolls). I wanted her to be excited about meeting my baby. And she's not.

And it really fucking hurts my feelings.

Good thing I have this gorgeous, cooing, SMILING baby to make me forget all the dysfunction junction for awhile.

4 weeks and all is right

2008-06-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ruby Jane is 4 weeks old as of today. She continues to rock my world.

She's beautiful, very alert and chatty (clearly, she is a genius), eats a lot and smells really good. We are THIS close to real smile, I can see her eyes light up and her mouth twitch when I try to be Baby Funny (high pitched talking/squealing, raspberries on tummy, etc, etc). I CANNOT wait to see her smile.

Nursing is still a challenge. She's getting most of food by bottle, but we spend 15 to 20 minutes nursing at almost every feeding. There's just not much there, folks. Some, but not much. As long as she's getting some breastmilk, I'm ok with our system. I wish formula were easier on her stomach, but we'll talk to our doctor about that on Monday.

Tom is home for the week. This is his last vacation, then he begins his third and most difficult year of residency. I'm trying not to think about all of the hours Ruby and I will be alone together, because as wonderful as they are, breaks are nice, too. In fact, I'm going out to lunch with a friend today while Tom and Ruby spend some quality minutes together. I will miss her fiercely, but I know it's good for me. For us.

(I'm talking myself out of the guilt, can you tell? Rationally, I know there is nothing to feel guilty about. But it's still there. Welcome to motherhood!)

I really really believe we should have much better maternity/paternity leave in this country. I think it's shameful as it is. And I'm not just saying that because I have a new baby. It says loads about our priorities in this country. Not great.

Ok. I need to cuddle my baby now.

Ruby Jane

2008-05-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

I had the baby. Yes I did. No induction necessary.

Miss Ruby Jane made her debut on May 9 after 33 hours of labor. She came out pink and a little peely and is absolutely beautiful.

We beat the system, Ruby! We fought the machine! You came when you were ready and it all worked out.

And now we're struggling with low milk supply and formula feedings (can I tell you how I cried and cried when I gave her the first bottle? How I still cry a little? I'm trying everything, even prescription medication to get it up. Fenugreek. Lots of Ruby Booby Time. Stupid infertility. It screws with me even when I'm seemingly brimming with fertility.)

I'll put up pictures when I figure out how.

I'm so in love. I didn't really know, but now I know. It's too much wonderful.

Losing Heart (with Update)

2008-05-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm 12 days overdue. They've scheduled my induction for Friday, 5 pm, even though it is not what I want. I tried to negotiate for continued monitoring rather than a mandatory induction at 42 weeks, but my doctors' office wouldn't go for it.

I feel defeated and powerless. I was so grateful to have my husband with me during my appointment - I needed someone in my corner because it is really scary to argue with your doctors. More so than I thought it would be. They were so immovable, sticking to their policy despite proof of my continued healthy pregnancy.

And I know I can refuse the induction. Hell, I can simply not show up for the appt. But then what? Does that mean I don't have a doctor anymore? How will I get the monitoring I would need to wait this baby out and deliver her naturally? I'm not interested in throwing caution to the wind when it comes to my baby's health; I want the monitoring. But I also want to do what I feel is best for my child, which is to be patient and let her come when she's ready.

I guess like any mother I'm trying to do what I think is right for my baby. That's all.

Intuitively (and backed by an ultrasound and two non-stress tests), I know my baby is healthy and happy (a little too happy, apparently). I know no one stays pregnant forever and that, given time, she will come on her own.

I don't know what I'll do on Friday. For now, I hoping that she comes before then. I've got a few days left, but there haven't been any changes and I'm losing heart.

This sucks, basically.

Updated to add: my doctor called me last night, I think to try to schedule my induction a day early. When I told her that I didn't want to induce at all, especially not on Friday considering that I think my due date was wrong, she agreed to reschedule me for Tuesday. I have to go for monitoring and doctor's appointments on Friday and again on Monday, but I'm so happy for the extra time. And that I was listened to. Now come on baby!

9 days overdue

2008-05-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

And I'm just going about my biz-naz. What else is there?

We went to the Farmers' Market this morning and my house now holds strawberries and a pretty bouquet of fresh flowers. Locopops were had last night, along with a long, leisurely walk. I'm working the list, people.

I also lost my mucus plug today. It's as gross as it sounds, but it means something is happening. Or not. I've read that it could mean labor is a few hours away or a few weeks. But I have to believe that being 9 days overdue excludes the few weeks option. I have to extract meaning from this event. I really do.

So I'm now sitting quietly, waiting to feel something. Looking at my flowers. Refusing to return phone calls. (I really will call when things get going. I said I would and I will. Now stop calling me.)

Birthday Roses

2008-04-27T16:48:00.001-07:00

Birthday Roses, originally uploaded by bellypop.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a pretty great day.

A cappucino and croissant breakfast. An early vote. Farmers' market strawberries. Shopping for baby hats. A movie. A gorgeous dinner. Roses in a mason jar, left on my porch.

Happy wishes from friends and family.

I feel loved, y'all.

And, as has been true for the last 3 days, it is now time for this baby to come out. Come out baby!

Now They're Threatening Me

2008-04-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am so ready to have this baby.

I never understood why pregnant women were so eager to have their babies. I mean, I know they love them and want to see them, but hey, it will happen eventually! Relax. Enjoy the last moments of freedom, of quiet, of you-ness, before it all changes irrevocably and forever.

What's the rush?

Well, the rush, it turns out, is that being this pregnant is not terribly comfortable. Also, your doctors start to lay on the pressure, using words like "we should talk about scheduling an induction" as if that's of course the next step. Even when you're not due yet. I'm not due yet, and my doctors are itching to induce. This alarms me. It is not how I wanted things to go.

I'm doing my best. I walk everyday. I spend a lot of time squatting on my yoga ball. Gravity, do your part.

But in the end, it's up to this baby. Or is it. I really don't know how this whole labor thing works.

Pregnant, Always and Forever

2008-04-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

Still pregnant. I would have updated sooner, but what is there to say? I'm still pregnant and probably always will be. She seems extraordinarily comfortable with her lot in my uterus.

I've had a very weird day, complete with teary breakdown. I'm feeling better now. I think some of the crazy leaked out. I'm just really big, you know? And easily overwhelmed. The baby's not even here and I'm already dreaming of a housekeeper and cute outfits and yoga classes. I'm escaping, with my brain, you see.

I wish I didn't feel like I needed to clean constantly. I wish my house looked like I clean constantly. Why still dirty, house? Why are we not connecting in this way?

We went to visit friends who just had a baby last week. I asked them what they were finding really helpful, as far as stuff goes. They cited their gliding rocker, baby swing, boppy pillow and pacifiers as the best stuff ever. Guess what we don't have? All of the above!

We've kept ourselves low on the baby crap o'meter. I've been proud of that, up until this point. She has my boobs, places to sleep, a carseat and a dresser full of clothes. Color me prepared. Or so I thought.

Oh, eff this. It's nap time. I'm lying! I'm about to do laundry! I just can't stop!

Is you serious?

2008-04-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

Bellypop? Really? Well, if you say so.

I am now, as of right this minute, 38 weeks pregnant. My belly does indeed pop. It's really hard to see past my own navel at this point, so it seems I'm in a good place to start blogging. Har dee to the har.

I'm also about to turn 32, which is really no big deal, but I've been dying to do a 32 list a la Hula Seventy and if I need to start a blog to do it, then SO BE IT.

pms: Please forgive the baby-centric nature of the list. I promise I have aspirations other than baby-related things, but this is my first baby and I'd be nuts to think it wasn't going to absorb me for a bit. (For how long, do you think? A couple of weeks? Maybe three? Let's over do for safety's sake and say a month.)

32 Things to Do Before I Turn 33

Have a baby.
Keep baby alive on a daily basis.
Eat locopops weekly.
Get outside every day (weather permitting) with said baby.
Accept many invitations. Don't forget to bring the baby.
Take baby to story/music hours at the library and for god's sake, make eye contact and smile at other parents. Don't be a weirdo.
Yoga! Go when you can. Leave the kid with her dad.
Take lazy walks around town. Go where the people are.
Visit the Farmer's Market every Saturday. There are kids and dogs and tomatoes there. Babies like all of those things.
Play a lot of music at home, and not kids' music, but good music. Dance with the baby, unless she really hates that sort of thing.
Go here with the family passes your smart sister got you.
Go to the beach, just the three of you.
Write as regularly as you can.
Find somewhere to volunteer, later, not now, but with the baby.
Talk to your neighbors who all seem to have babies. Why have you not noticed this until now? It will be an obvious ploy, this sudden interest in them, but you must suck it up.
Find a way to get rid of the TV without Tom noticing. Presto change-O! It's now a settee!
Learn how to make your own notecards, graphics and all.
Cook more. But only if you can without a complete meltdown.
Go easy on the expectations. A living, happy baby is the priority. The rest is gravy.
Keep fresh flowers in the house all summer.
Go back to the buddhist temple when you're ready. You really liked it, remember?
Let some things slide. You can't control everything.
Take a writing class. This might be getting a little ambitious, but what the hell.
Make own baby food when she's ready for it.
Get into holidays a little more. Especially Halloween. We're all dressing up this year.
Take pictures! Send them to relatives.
Go on some dates with Tom.
Ask for and accept help.
If given the choice, always pick sleep. Then shower. Never dishes.
Choose fun over work every single time you can this year.
Get pedicures. They're not practical. That's why you need them.
Rub a baby's belly at least once a day.