Chatting

A little blurry, but you get the gist. Deep conversations. About everything, all the time. We talk and talk and talk. Then nap. Then talk.

(Ok, I'm done playing with this now. This baby is going to wake up any second.)

Alien baby

Little alien baby, peeking out from her Ergo. This is also the face I see every morning as she stares up at me in bed. Pretty good.

Little smiles

Working on this picture thing. We bought a new camera yesterday. I have a muse, you could say.

If I ruled the world, everyone would behave properly

I'm having a little sadness today. I'm wondering if I need to adjust my expectations.

My mother and stepdad were here a couple of weeks ago to see the baby. And they drank. A lot. And it really pissed me off. I think Ruby felt my tension because she was the fussiest she's ever been. Also, they are extremely chaotic people and she probably felt the crazy, too.

Anyway. It was sad for me because I wanted it to be a special weekend. They were meeting her for the first time and it should have been a big deal, full of meaning and well, specialness. Instead, I just raged while they looked at each other and wondered about my post partum mental health. Between bottles of wine, that is.

And just now, my sister who spends a lot of time in her own world, told me she doesn't know when she will see Ruby, despite the fact that I've been asking her to request a couple days off from her restaurant job to come when my dad and other sister are here next weekend. I believe I've been asking her/reminding her every time we talk since before Ruby was born. It's too late now, she never made the request, and doesn't know when she'll be able to get off. Maybe not til the end of August.

It's so strange to me that my own sister has made no move to see my baby. I couldn't imagine not going to her if things were reversed.

She never sent a card or a gift and these things don't bother me (although they do say something about how she rolls). I wanted her to be excited about meeting my baby. And she's not.

And it really fucking hurts my feelings.

Good thing I have this gorgeous, cooing, SMILING baby to make me forget all the dysfunction junction for awhile.

4 weeks and all is right

Ruby Jane is 4 weeks old as of today. She continues to rock my world.

She's beautiful, very alert and chatty (clearly, she is a genius), eats a lot and smells really good. We are THIS close to real smile, I can see her eyes light up and her mouth twitch when I try to be Baby Funny (high pitched talking/squealing, raspberries on tummy, etc, etc). I CANNOT wait to see her smile.

Nursing is still a challenge. She's getting most of food by bottle, but we spend 15 to 20 minutes nursing at almost every feeding. There's just not much there, folks. Some, but not much. As long as she's getting some breastmilk, I'm ok with our system. I wish formula were easier on her stomach, but we'll talk to our doctor about that on Monday.

Tom is home for the week. This is his last vacation, then he begins his third and most difficult year of residency. I'm trying not to think about all of the hours Ruby and I will be alone together, because as wonderful as they are, breaks are nice, too. In fact, I'm going out to lunch with a friend today while Tom and Ruby spend some quality minutes together. I will miss her fiercely, but I know it's good for me. For us.

(I'm talking myself out of the guilt, can you tell? Rationally, I know there is nothing to feel guilty about. But it's still there. Welcome to motherhood!)

I really really believe we should have much better maternity/paternity leave in this country. I think it's shameful as it is. And I'm not just saying that because I have a new baby. It says loads about our priorities in this country. Not great.

Ok. I need to cuddle my baby now.

Ruby Jane

I had the baby. Yes I did. No induction necessary.

Miss Ruby Jane made her debut on May 9 after 33 hours of labor. She came out pink and a little peely and is absolutely beautiful.

We beat the system, Ruby! We fought the machine! You came when you were ready and it all worked out.

And now we're struggling with low milk supply and formula feedings (can I tell you how I cried and cried when I gave her the first bottle? How I still cry a little? I'm trying everything, even prescription medication to get it up. Fenugreek. Lots of Ruby Booby Time. Stupid infertility. It screws with me even when I'm seemingly brimming with fertility.)

I'll put up pictures when I figure out how.

I'm so in love. I didn't really know, but now I know. It's too much wonderful.

Losing Heart (with Update)

I'm 12 days overdue. They've scheduled my induction for Friday, 5 pm, even though it is not what I want. I tried to negotiate for continued monitoring rather than a mandatory induction at 42 weeks, but my doctors' office wouldn't go for it.

I feel defeated and powerless. I was so grateful to have my husband with me during my appointment - I needed someone in my corner because it is really scary to argue with your doctors. More so than I thought it would be. They were so immovable, sticking to their policy despite proof of my continued healthy pregnancy.

And I know I can refuse the induction. Hell, I can simply not show up for the appt. But then what? Does that mean I don't have a doctor anymore? How will I get the monitoring I would need to wait this baby out and deliver her naturally? I'm not interested in throwing caution to the wind when it comes to my baby's health; I want the monitoring. But I also want to do what I feel is best for my child, which is to be patient and let her come when she's ready.

I guess like any mother I'm trying to do what I think is right for my baby. That's all.

Intuitively (and backed by an ultrasound and two non-stress tests), I know my baby is healthy and happy (a little too happy, apparently). I know no one stays pregnant forever and that, given time, she will come on her own.

I don't know what I'll do on Friday. For now, I hoping that she comes before then. I've got a few days left, but there haven't been any changes and I'm losing heart.

This sucks, basically.

Updated to add: my doctor called me last night, I think to try to schedule my induction a day early. When I told her that I didn't want to induce at all, especially not on Friday considering that I think my due date was wrong, she agreed to reschedule me for Tuesday. I have to go for monitoring and doctor's appointments on Friday and again on Monday, but I'm so happy for the extra time. And that I was listened to. Now come on baby!